"Most people guard against going into the fire, and so end up in it" - Rumi
A part of me was dying inside. A part of me that I squashed, minimised, ignored, and refused to see. I had turned away from myself, and my truth.
That part of me was afraid. Afraid of my own shadows, of my power, of this sense of “all that could be”. That part of me knew the truth of my magic and my soul, yet I wanted to keep denying that part, afraid of what it would reveal, what it might mean.
I was lost, unable to really show up as myself, pleasing others. I was ready to fly, but afraid to jump. I didn’t know where this journey would take me.
This long road stretches out. Ahead you see the path diverge. An easy loop back to certainty and comfort. And a rocky, difficult looking way that disappears in a haze of clouds as you try to make out where it goes.
Exhausted by indecision, whirling thoughts and possibilities running rampant, you stop, you sit.
“What do I really want?” The voice echoes out, it feels like your innermost soul speaking. Startled, you want to run, look longingly at the familiar loop, feel that twitch of desire for reassurance and feel the whispers of seeming sanity “just go back, you don’t have to change, this is too hard, you’re not really cut out for this…”
Images flash by, so many struggles had, so many mountains already climbed. “I’ve already come so far,” you almost sob to yourself, “there can’t be more to do, to overcome. I’m tired. I didn’t even ask for this.”
“I’m ready,” speaks the Soul, “please let’s go, we can do this. I need you to find me, in finding your truest self.”
“You’re fine. Why push yourself again and again? This is crazy. Stay here, as you are. Be safe. Danger ahead.”
“You were born to be bigger, brighter, you can do this”.
“What makes you special? That’s silly. Just be the person you are. All this self improvement and examination is pointless. It’s better to stay here.”
“No! It’s not about being special, it’s about the true discovery of your inner power, living in your fullest self. You know, really, you will be restless forever until you do. Do you want this? This relentless questioning in your mind? This nagging sense there is more? If you find the courage to begin, and keep going, the peace and answers await you.”
A flame flickers inside. Something primeval stirs. You feel yourself cracking, and cracking open. Siren call of the Soul.
Slowly, you stand. Hopeful eyes scan the path ahead. Fear wobbles your limbs, but some inner courage steadies you.
“Are you sure? Stay here, stay safe. I’m worried I can’t protect you.”
“Thank you, Fear,” you acknowledge, “I hear you and I know your job is to protect me. But I am my own safety, my own trust, and I need to go Home.”
"One day you will look back and see that all along, you were blooming." - Morgan Harper Nichols
I sit here now in complete peace and confidence. I have connected to even the very deepest and most hidden parts of myself. I am unafraid. I am excited about the future and the immediate transformation in what I know I can now offer as a practitioner in service of the highest good of others.
I have an inner radiance that comes with complete knowledge and love for the essence of who I am. I have seen and embraced my shadows, my own inner darkness, not as parts to reject and fear, but as vital sources of my potential, lifeblood to my power.
The greatest, and hardest, journey I have undertaken is the one home to myself.
To get here took immense amounts of vulnerability, courage and will. This journey is not necessarily easy, but the rewards are immense.
I did not undertake it alone. Alongside trusted friends, I reached out to make new connections, others who seemed like me, or who had already progressed down this path.
As a seeker, someone always looking for answers and growth, this follows decades of questions, searches, teachings and development.
But I had to crack myself open, more fully than ever before. I reached out to a coach who worked deeply with human energies and magical souls, surrendering to a process that was bigger than me.
"Home" is YOU - your inner peace and wisdom. The ability to trust and access your own power. Home is your source of Self, the place you will always return to for true knowing, acceptance, love. From this place you can operate easily, confidently. Self doubt doesn't necessarily disappear, but you can recognise it for what it is - a simple protection mechanism - and move through it, embracing all that you are.
You do have to be willing to walk through the fire, but in it you will learn how to be your own flame.
When you are ready, something inside will stir you. Something so compelling you cannot ignore its call. You will feel fear, uncertainty. You will want to turn back. There will be truly difficult and challenging moments. There will be sparks of crystal clarity. You can and will work through it all.
I now know that the key to unlocking this power, connection and love inside of me is the act of being of truly seen. Working with someone who experiences your fullest depths and in witnessing them allows them to emerge. If you understand the idea of being witnessed, you may get a sense of what it must be like to be witnessed at the deepest soul level possible.
What I first perceived as impossible became all possibility - the truest knowing and loving of all of who I am and of the power and ability I hold. From this place I can serve at my greatest potential and allow others to do so.
I have not just grown wings ready to fly, I AM fiery wings set ablaze and soaring. There is no fear, just endless expansion and possibility.
The entries in blue are from my own journal, when I tried to capture the journey I'd undergone. Words don't really do it justice, but I hope that this sharing from my heart shines some light for any brave and curious seekers of themselves.